Numb Nuts, Potty Mouth and Other Health Products You Won’t Believe Really Exist
You’re not likely to see these products on major store shelves, and there’s probably a reason for that.
Wellington Daily News - Wellington, KS
Posted Jul. 11, 2013 @ 12:01 am
Jul 11, 2013 at 10:23 AM
Posted Jul. 11, 2013 @ 12:01 am
Jul 11, 2013 at 10:23 AM
» Social News
There's no shortage of new product ideas, as evidenced by the number of late-night infomercials and pathetic product pitches. Here are a few that have come across our desks over the last few months that had us scratching our heads and wondering Who would buy that?!
Copping a squat is no longer reserved for camping trips and emergency situations. Now you can squat every single time you have to go with the Squatty Potty. The device, which functions much like your average run-of-the-mill step stool, gives potty-goers’ knees a lift while they eliminate. The idea is that by sitting in a squatting position (thanks to the Squatty Potty, of course), your puborectalis muscle is positioned in a more natural and straight path for your number 2 to exit the building, which is, we’re told, revolutionary. Billed as family- friendly, the Squatty Potty can be stored under the toilet for opting in … or out.
Nevermind the fact that women have been enduring bikini waxing for decades with nary the request for a pre-wax numbing lotion. In this new, metrosexual world we live in, men in pursuit of smoother, hair-free downtown regions just haven’t got time for the pain. Thank goodness for Numb Nuts, aka “The manscaper’s pain relieving cream.” The doctor-formulated product relies on aloe for its soothing qualities and lidocaine for on-contact numbing. The nuts part is up to the user.
It was apparently a fascination with how breastfeeding could calm the most enraged infant’s deafening cries that lead the Lollyphile folks to creating their new breast milk-flavored lollipops. And while there’s actually no breast milk in the sweet treats, it was the nectar of many breastfeeding moms that served as the inspiration behind the flavor creation. Will they calm YOU down when you’re enraged, crying and having a bad day? We have no idea, but we’ll let you figure that out on your own. We’ll stick with wine.
The Healthy Hoohoo line of products falls into the “I didn’t know I needed that” category. With promises of feminine freshness and the use of words like “revolutionary” and “simplicity,” the folks at Healthy Hoohoo have a lot to live up to. The line of chemical-, fragrance- and paraben-free products features “The Wipe” to “tidy up” down there; “The Foamer,” which is apparently “full of nurturing goodness;” and “The Wash,” which is billed as a “shampoo for your hoohoo.” All we want to know is when did making lady parts sound so cutesy become a thing? Regardless, keeping your hoohoo—or nether regions, lady parts, vajayjay or whatever else you want to call it—clean in a Healthy Hoohoo way ain’t cheap! The wipes (which are also gluten-free, by the way) are $4.79 for a 10-count pack; the Foamer is $13.99; and the Hoohoo shampoo will set you back $12.99. Hoo knew?
We’ve all had those awkward moments when there’s no choice but to go in a public restroom. Rather than slink out of the john, head hung in shame from the stench you left behind, always be prepared with Poo~Pourri. A little spritz before you go, and no one will know! Poo~Pourri employs the natural benefits of aromatherapy to lay down a “protective layer of essential oils,” which we envision as a super stink-proof shield that keeps all the offensive odors hidden from smell. And just to build on the cuteness that is going to the bathroom, the folks at Poo~Pourri are continually expanding their line of products, which currently includes Loo~Pourri, Daisy Doo, Deja’Poo, Doody Free, Heavy Doody and the new Dr. Potts Potion. Kind of makes you want to go, doesn’t it?!
If constantly nagging your significant other to put the seat down isn’t working, it may be time to call in some backup. Hand off the dirty work to a pair of sassy plastic lips instead. Potty Mouth is a small device that detects if the toilet seat has been left up. And if, in fact, it has, boy howdy, you better watch out! Potty Mouth spouts off nagging comments in a variety of different accents, because leaving the lid up is a multi-cultural thing, don’t you know.
Every other product in the beauty aisle promises anti-aging and wrinkle-reducing qualities. But a pillow that has the power to do the same? That was news to us! And yet, the Mumbani Fresh Face Pillow is billed as the “anti-aging, anti-wrinkle sleep accessory that will help you lose that irritating ‘morning face’ and promote healthier, smoother skin!” That’s right. A pillow. Well, sort of like a pillow. The Mumbani is actually a tiny face mask-sized cushion that promises to keep your facial skin in place so you don’t wake up looking like a shar pei. It also promises to improve your appearance. That’s a lot to live up to from a pillow, don’t you think?
Nothing kills the bedroom action like PE. That’s premature ejaculation, a condition that affects more men than steamy movie sex scenes would lead you to believe. Yes, PE is very much a real thing that can affect men and, according to this product’s press release, leave women “suffering in silence.” Well suffer no more, ladies! If your guy takes the phrase “quickie” to heart, give him a little time delay with Promescent, an FDA-approved topical premature ejaculation treatment. As the saying goes, though, time is money; this over-the-counter topical spray is available in standard metered dose for $79.95, home and away dual kit for $94.95, and trial size for $19.95.
When we received the press release for Girl Uninterrupted PMS Relief, we were speechless. It came in as a Valentine’s Day gift idea (no, we’re not joking), making mockeries of dusty old ideas like chocolate and flowers. That’s right. Forget the indulgent stuff; let’s get that PMS under control this Valentine’s Day, ladies. The all-natural product is made of amino acids, green tea extract and “estrogen-supporting herbs” that can help balance hormones during PMS. Because nothing says “I love you” like a bottle of PMS pills. And a slap across the face to the man who treads that path. Xoxoxo!