Three weeks ago G’s doctor heard a heart murmur when I took him in for his sports physical. She listened to it and listened some more, had him lie down and squat down and stand up while she listened, then she looked on her computer to make sure she was hearing what she was hearing, then she made him lie down and squat down and stand up so she could listen again. In the end, she wouldn’t release him for tackle football until he’d been seen by a pediatric cardiologist.
I wasn’t worried until we were leaving the exam room and an unprotected look crossed her face when she thought I wouldn’t turn back around as she said, “You know, I’d just limit his physical activity until he gets the all clear.”
In Sunday school we recently studied the book of Daniel where God lays out the coming kingdoms to Daniel: Medo-Persia, then Greece, then Rome. They were future events to Daniel but history to us. Now in Sunday school we’re studying Revelation where God once again lays out future events.
God has got it all under His control. He knows when kingdoms will swoop in and overtake Babylon, He knows when a mommy and her son will sit in an exam room with a thorough doctor and learn about heart murmurs.
And so, as I left the doctor’s office that Friday with my firstborn, the adrenaline pumped through my veins as I thought about the possibilities of what could lie ahead for a child with heart problems. Besides my husband, I didn’t tell anyone for a couple of days. I ruminated and turned it over in my brain and prayed. Most of all I prayed and trusted that God had it all under control.
The next Tuesday I found out G’s appointment with the cardiologist wouldn’t be until September. I got off the phone, went upstairs to my bedroom and cried. Not knowing the diagnosis and plan to treat G’s heart murmur for five more weeks was too long. And very gently, God pointed out to me that while I thought I’d been trusting G’s diagnosis to His control, I really hadn’t been; I hadn’t been confronting the possibilities with the flimsy reason (as I see it now) saying to myself, “It’s up to God.” After praying that morning, after realizing I couldn’t not confront the possibilities for five more weeks on my own by sheer power of my own will, I really and truly had to give it up to God. And then, after a few days of working through it with my Lord, I didn’t have to avoid my thoughts: God covered those possibilities in His love, and then I just didn’t go there. It’s a subtle difference to explain, but a huge difference as I lived my day.
It was within those few days that I updated my Sunday school, I finally told my family and Bible study girls. They responded with love and concern, but they also responded with hope.
This past Monday morning was G’s appointment. After a few calls to the cardiologist, we were able to get his appointment moved up. The morning of the appointment, God prompted my friends to text me and email me, in addition to all the times they’d texted me and emailed me over the past few weeks. One of my dearest friends gave up her beloved Diet Dr. Pepper from the time she found out until the time of the appointment, so that every time she wanted one she’d remember to pray for my son and my family.
What kind of love Has God poured into these people that they have that much love to give my son and me and my family?
On Monday, five and a half hours after first entering the cardiologist’s office, G was cleared for all physical activity. It is a relief to not walk down that road of heart problems.
But I want to be clear: I do not believe that because I love God He healed my son of a heart problem. I believe God could have done that if He wanted to--and maybe someday in Heaven I’ll find out that’s exactly what happened--but I believe God used this episode in our lives to force me to look at Him and not around me. It was a time that G and I had conversations about God’s will for us, it was a time God allowed me to be strong for my son, it was a time Hubby and I leaned closer together, it was a time I got loved on by many faithful friends. For me, most of all it was a time I had really and truly give my concerns over to God instead of hanging on to them myself.
So I will say this: if you’re not already, get yourself to a Bible-believing church on Sunday. Inside you will find fallen, selfish people stumbling toward the Cross, but they are beautiful because they’re looking at the Savior. Go in, fight your way in if you have to, and let them love on you. Let them surround you with His love, with a love so powerful and overwhelming that He sent His Son to buy you back from a fallen world, with a love that sends His Holy Spirit to draw you close to Himself.
Go and find Jesus. He’s waiting for you.